A Matter for Public Debate

I work in a high-rise office building.  The workers on my floor are mostly women; only a handful of men.  Despite the fact there is a restroom on every floor, men from other floors come to my floor to use the restroom.  They come straight from the stairwell with their newspapers, go into the men’s room, spend at least twenty minutes in there, and then leave directly the way they came.  They have no other business on my floor.  It’s always the same group of four or five old, fat guys. 

A couple weeks ago, I go in there and the fattest one, I think he’s the ringleader, he’s camped out in there.  He comes out of the stall and our eyes meet.  This isn’t the first time.  He knows that I know that he doesn’t work on my floor.  He knows I’m on to him.  He feels compelled to offer an unsolicited explanation.  He says, “The bathroom is so much nicer on your floor.”  Nicer?  What the hell does that mean?

You know they don’t walk multiple flights of stairs to take a piss.  They visit my floor for one reason only: taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.  How much “nicer” would my restroom be without daily performances by the Traveling Dingleberries?

This guy acts like he’s discovered an oasis in the desert.  And the fat ass just couldn’t keep it to himself.  He had to tell four other nasty fat guys where the best the place to go is.  I picture him chastising some dude for using the toilet on his own floor: “What are you doing man??  Go to the 10th floor for that.  It’s much nicer.”

Can I get a ruling on this?  Is any restroom in a 30-floor building fair game?  Shouldn’t people have to use the closest bathroom to their desk like they use the nearest exit during a fire drill?

Very Important Meeting

“We’ve got a packed agenda today guys, so why don’t we try to move along as quickly as we can…”

Motivational Poster Contest

Motivational Poster Contest

Random Notes From The FalcZone

– This newly-released Bruce Hornsby song is just weird.  It’s called “The Don Of Dons”.  I wonder if Trump commissioned it.  The biographical depth is….weird. 

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– And what’s with Trump threatening to run for President?  His platform: something about a pissing contest with the Somali pirates.  Ridiculous.  He’s making a mockery of our Democracy.  This is why I usually raffle off my vote as a door prize at my annual “Wear-A-Crazy-Hat” theme party.

– Overheard On The Streets Of Downtown Denver – A 50-year-old white dude with dreadlocks talking to a couple of scummy-looking street kids: “Kids these days don’t understand what it means to be a Juggalo…”

– President Obama announced today that we’re bombing Libya now.  Sweet.  I was wondering who we were gonna bomb next.  Why Libya, though?  I thought Marty McFly took care of the Libyans back in 1985.  Unfinished business, I guess.  How many more wars do we have to fight over plutonium?

– Hopefully our leaders in Washingtion consider carefully the grave implications of using military force.  As my wife would say, “They better stop cashing checks out of their ass that their ass can’t cash!”  She likes to put her own spin on colloquialisms.

 – I’m told by people with inside knowledge of the ongoing negotiations that this picture of Neil Diamond kissing a koala bear is doing a lot to ease tensions between NFL ownership and the players’ union.  Is there anything Neil Diamond can’t do?

– Speaking of animals: Jag Dazzler.  That guy’s an animal.

– The Latest Buzz: Have you read the controversial new bestseller by conservative New York Times columnist David Brooks?  Me neither.  I don’t read much.

– I love this guy Gus Johnson.  His verbal eruptions make March the maddening miracle that it is.

-Now I’m done….check this space regularly for more of my exclusive musings on music, politics, and the human condition.

EXCLUSIVE: The 7th and Santa Fe Interview with Chango Budelwood, Jr.

Chango Budelwood, Jr.

History defines every generation by its heroes, its heartbreaks, and the happenstance in between.  Meanwhile, the ever-droning bagpipes of our collective dreams and desires continue to expand and contract with the rhythm of life.  7th and Santa Fe is humbled and honored to get up-close and three-wide with the daydreamin’ everyman who’s dead set on blowing his own bag to the beat of our times, and in doing so, redefining what it means to be alive and good-looking in the new decade: Chango Budelwood, Jr.

7&SF: You’re so driven.  What drives you?

CB, Jr.:  A 1994 Ford F-150.

7&SF:  If you could touch just one person with your work, who would that person be, and how would you like to touch them?

CB, Jr.:  I generally don’t like specifics. Though, it gives me a huge rush, a thrill, whenever I touch some body. Especially, when they don’t know that I’m touching them.  Do you know what I mean?

7&SF:  You can be kind of a jerk sometimes.  Care to comment?

CB, Jr.:  That’s a fact. Its well documented. Did I really come here to discuss how big of an asshole I am? Who is this clown?

7&SF:  Let’s play a word association game.  I’ll say a word or a phrase, and you tell me the first word or phrase that pops into your mind.  Get it?  OK, let’s start: Hot dog.

CB, Jr.:  Pass.

7&SF: Mucus.

CB, Jr.:  Is this how the whole interview is going to go?

7&SF:  Host of TV’s Dancing With The Stars, Tom Bergeron.

CB, Jr.:  Not familiar.

7&SF:  That was fun.  What would you say to someone who’s wondering what you’re going to say right now?

CB, Jr.:  I am going to let you in on a little secret that everybody else already knows. Control is an illusion. Nobody knows what’s going to happen next. I think you have gotten a glimpse of that, and you’re scared. You might not have the courage to ask me another question. You may never have had it.

7&SF:  A personal question (our readers are dying to know): Does the carpet match the pubes?

CB, Jr.:  I have hardwoods.

7&SF:  Anything you’d like to add?

CB, Jr.:  I think everyone should just slow down.  Take a yoga class – core training, that’s where it’s at.  Eat a falafel.  If you have more than three things on your itinerary for the day you should reevaluate.  Busy schedules are for bankers and sports agents.  Although, I have based much of my professional persona on Tom Cruise‘s character, Jerry Maguire – romantically speaking.  I mean, how do you know how someone will perform in a work environment until you have slept with them.  Right?  Anyways, that’s how I feel.

Some advice for the next generation: stay hungry, eat out when you can.  Also, I learned this one the hard way: Always ask to speak with council.  I can’t stress that enough.  Somebody told me once, “you can do anything you want in this country as long as you’re innocent”.

And to the huge bald guy at the gym that whispers in a heavy German accent before every set, “finders keepers – losers weepers”: I see you my man.

EXCLUSIVE: The 7th and Santa Fe Interview with Jag Dazzler

Jag Dazzler

In an exclusive encounter, 7th and Santa Fe goes one-on-one with a heavy hitter who’s not afraid to mix it up, max it out, or tax it twice.  We recently had the pleasure of probing Jag “Wildman” Dazzler: the activist poet and pacifist pirate known for stoking flames, stroking dames, and touching the American totem where it throbs.

7&SF: Let me start by saying, I’m a huge fan.  What do you think about that?

 JD: Thanks, I’ve always thought that. Fandom is important. It makes people feel more important, and feelings make reality feel more real.
7&SF: How have your influences influenced you?
JD: Namely through their actions and beliefs in what they were doing, which I imagine they derived from their influencers. So I really would like to give thanks to the imaginations of my influences’ influencers, the real deal. Additionally, when I am under the influence I tend toward inspiration, which is always aspirational.
7&SF:  Your last project provoked a lot of what-have-yous.  How do you react to that?
JD: I trend provocative. The what-have-you’s will come hand in hand with the what-have-you nots;  I believe in rolling the dough before the muffins rise. 
7&SF:  Recent events have people buzzing.  What say you?
JD: Get people drunk, and they will say anything, that’s what I’ve always said – drink?
7&SF: Knowing what you know, and having said what you’ve said, tell us more.
JD: It is what is left un-said that leaves people questioning, did he just not say that? 
7&SF: What does the phrase “it is what it is” mean to you?
JD: Principally “it is what it is” is a great phrase to toss around in a professional setting. It makes people feel like you know what “it” is, which provides you a bit of a leg up while giving the sense that you are a “total picture guy”, who is “grounded,” and not afraid to “call a spade a spade,” because “at the end of the day” “the net net” will increase “the bottom line.” At least that is “how I see it,” while always adding “from my perspective,” to “put a steak in the ground” without really having a real steak in hand. By the way, I could go for a steak dinner about now, you down? I’ll “write the whole thing off.”
7&SF: If you could ask anyone anything, would you?
JD: Most certainly. Asking things leads to answers; from right and wrong to just off-putting and odd, to the inevitable erotic outcome. My father always said, “man, if you don’t ask, you don’t get.” I’m a big believer in that. Buy me a beer?
7&SF: Anything you’d like to add?
JD: Bobby Falcon, you sir are an American, this country needs more of you. Remember to love yourself at least 3-4 times a day

Beefs of Denver

I try to visit Chicago at least once annually.  It’s a great city.  The Bears suck, but I digress.  I like the bars and the live music scene.  Reggies on 21st and State is one of the greatest bars-slash-live music venues in all of America.  I have a buddy out there called Cunn Toddingham who is an extraordinary human being.  (I’ll say more about Cunn in a later post; I’d eventually like to publish a multi-volume encyclopedia of his hijinks.)  But the #1 reason to visit Chicago is the food.  They have a sandwich there called an Italian Beef: it’s the greatest handheld food unit ever devised. 

In between trips to Chicago, I get frequent hankerings for Beef.  I’m based in Denver, which is more of a burrito town, so achieving Beef satiation can be arduous.  (Worry not, loyal reader: I will break down the Denver Burrito Scene in painstaking detail in future posts to this forum.)  Here are the top three Beefs of Denver:

3. Fontano’s,  1623 California Street

Fontano's: #3 Best Beef in Denver

Meat is extremely flavorful. Peppers are spicy.  The bread is not a proper Italian roll, it’s more of a French baguette, so I can’t go any higher than a #3 ranking for this Beef.

2. Chicago Style Beef & Dogs, 6680 West Colfax Ave

Chicago, #2 Best Beef of Denver

This Beef should be #1, especially because of the puddle of gravy it’s swimming in, but the roll was a little stale on this day.  I can’t forgive that.

1. Mile High Vienna Stand, 258 Santa Fe Drive

MHVS, #1 Best Beef of Denver

The gold standard of Denver Beef.  Nearly perfect.  Look at that generous portion of giardiniera.  I needed a shower after taking this thing down.